IDL14 Season 1: Master Your Mindset with Collin Henderson
How do you master your mindset? How do you alter your behaviours and actions?
Today you’re going to hear from Collin Henderson who has managed to master his mindset through the course of his life, and now helps others do the same.
Meet Collin Henderson
Collin Henderson is the founder and CEO of Master Your Mindset, LLC, a leader in the field of mental conditioning. Collin was a two sport division-1 student-athlete, who later left his corporate role as a number one ranked medical sales professional and national sales trainer to now coach audiences in the thousands. Collin has authored five books and is the host of Master Your Mindset Podcast.
Collin’s innovative trainings on mindset, culture, and sales psychology have been utilized by some of the world’s best organizations and institutions including: Nike, Zillow, Los Angeles Dodgers, Lululemon, Microsoft, Salesforce, Alaska Airlines, FedEx, and Amazon. Collin teaches his mindset curriculum with college teams and school districts across the country.
Collin is also a regular mental conditioning contributor to Russell Wilson’s groundbreaking company Limitless Minds, who provide elite mindset training to the nation’s top corporations.
Visit his website.
In this episode we discuss:
How Collin Mastered His Mindset
Root of Collin’s Insecurity
Mindset Exercises
HOW COLLIN MASTERED HIS MINDSET
Being an athlete when I was younger, I always had a lot of anxiety about failing. Then, after school, I went into Sales which is similar to sport in that the work is tied to the outcome. Eventually, after seven years working, I was burnt out. At the time, I had a Mindset Coach who taught me about the power of the mind. He taught me this phrase: “Sales psychology beats sale strategy”. I realised that understanding self, self-talk, mindfulness, understanding your habits, knowing your ‘why’, etc. is so important. I got upset that this sort of knowledge is not widely available, which is why I decided to get involved.
ROOT OF COLLIN’S ANXIETY
The word ‘mindset’ is a conditioned set of beliefs that drive behaviour. These beliefs are shaped by trauma, drama, daddy, and mama. I had a fear of not being perfect which may have stemmed from my dad being the loudest dad in the stands. I was also a people pleaser, wanted to achieve and had a stutter. In my adulthood, I’ve come to understand the power of words. We think in four dimensions, each of which influences the other:
Words
Pictures
Emotional state
Our beliefs
Our actions and behaviours are not based on truth, but on our perception of the truth. At times, that truth isn’t even real. The best way to reframe your thoughts is to observe them. Research shows that 80% of human thoughts are negative and 95% of human thoughts are reoccurring. The question I like to ask people is, “Is this true? And from who?”
MINDSET EXERCISES
MAP Exercise
“Who is in charge, the thinker, or the thoughts?”
An exercise I encourage people to do is ‘MAP’:
M - monitor your thoughts
A - audit
P - program (how you speak to yourself)
Also have ‘anchor statements’, i.e.: some affirmations that you can constantly use to anchor yourself. For example, “I am authentic, I am present, and I am courageous”.
Truce Triangle
Inside the triangle: what internal emotions do you want to express?
Outside the triangle: values
“Leadership comes down to influence, and influence comes down to value. Value is all wrapped around empathy. When you help people, your brain produces oxytocin, dopamine, creatinine. And it’s all with the heart expecting nothing in return.”
Resources, books, and links mentioned in this episode:
The Impact Driven Leader YouTube Channel
Join the Impact Driven Leader Community
Connect with Tyler on Instagram and LinkedIn
About the Impact Driven Leader Podcast
The Impact Driven Leader Podcast, hosted by Tyler Dickerhoof, is for Xillennial leaders who have felt alone and ill-equipped to lead in today's world. Through inspiring interviews with authors from around the world, Tyler uncovers how unique leadership strengths can empower others to achieve so much more, with real impact.
Rate, review and subscribe here on Apple Podcasts or subscribe on Stitcher and Spotify.
Podcast Transcription
[TYLER DICKERHOOF]
Welcome back to this episode of the Impact Driven Leader podcast. This is Tyler Dickerhoof. Man, you got a treat today. Collin, he is going to spit fire. So Collin Henderson, author of Master Your Mindset. Collin is a professional speaker. He speaks with the Limitless group, which is founded by Russell Wilson quarterback for, at least there's some light now, unless he gets traded, the Seattle Seahawks, amazing quarterback and just really has been a pioneer in this idea of mindset. Collin is a former college football player and baseball player at Washington State University. He got into medical sales, has had a career in that, and you're going to hear in this episode where he really talks about the struggles that he had from a mindset, how a mentor absolutely changed his life, gave him 30 books to read about the power of mind, how he really transformed and used gratitude as a way to create this idea of mindset to be better. And he created a platform to be able to help other people grow.
I love the fact that as Collin and I, and you're going to hear in this, conversation before this, we had never met each other. And yet the synergies in, I guess, how I view things, how he views things is really exciting for me. I'm glad to call Collin a new friend and we're going to hear, you're going to hear a lot in this episode. It's going to be all over the place and I'm excited for you to listen to it because there's great information for you to write down, to learn, to really take this idea of mindset and apply it to your leadership so you can help guide others to perform to their best capacity. Sit back, take some notes, get ready for this episode with Collin Henderson.
So here we are in the conversation, Collin and I had chatted for a few minutes and I jump in, we start talking about his book, Master Your Mindset. Here we go. You know, you've written the book, Master Your Mindset and you kind of really embrace that as like, as you've talked about already. It's like huh. You know, what goes through our mind, how we actually intentionally think and act determines so much in our life. Explain how that started for you and how you've really seen that cascade over time.
[COLLIN HANDERSON]
Yes, we kind of talked about, pre-record being a college athlete in high school. I've been an athlete for my whole life. I just loved competing, loved playing, loved the aspect of sports, being a teammate and winning and that type of stuff. But as you get higher up in your career, you notice that it's not just about talent, about skills. So I'm at Washington State playing two sport, I wanted to win, I wanted to do well, but I had this anxiety about like not failing. And I got myself to work on the outcomes. So every performance was a matter of life and death. So I would, if I wasn't getting the type of the results I wanted in baseball, the sports I played, I mean as a kid is I would just work harder. I would try harder, I'd lift more weights. In football I'd catch more passes, I'd run more routes, but you know, working harder doesn't guarantee you will do better. So I just kind of like hit anxiety, struggled with a lot of things, wouldn't talk about it. And as you know, male athletes are kind of talked to to be tough and to not ask for help and all that type of stuff.
And then in business and sales, after graduate school, selling to doctors and hospitals and that type of a role. This is like, sports is like sales. There's an outcome. There's a result. There's pressure. When you do well, you get praised, when you don't do well your number on that list of who's in the top 10 or who's on the stage, who's going on trips, like you get your work tied to the outcome. And like seven, eight years ago, I hit a point where I was just completely exhausted. I was going backwards. You know, I just wasn't growing, wasn't advancing. I was crushing Netflix. I was watching movies as my escape. It wasn't like drugs and alcohol man. I would escape by watching movies, but I had a mindset coach who really taught sales excellence, but he really talked more about the power of the mind.
So when I got ahold of this information, like my mind was blown Tyler, because I was like, man, he taught me this phrasing, sales psychology beats sales strategy. And he's like, there's these books on sales, which I know you do some of that, but really the books you should be reading is like understanding self, the power of self-talk, self-awareness, mindfulness, how to form great habits, knowing your why, and just like this power of your inner voice and what it does. So once I got ahold of this information, just like I'm a student, I'm very curious. If I see something working, I'm going to have it, I'm going to get after it and apply it. So I just saw transformation. I set sales records, I was healthier, I was happier. I'm a father of five now.
I think at that time we had like two kids. So I was just a better father, better husband, and I got kind of upset in that moment. I was like, "Why don't more people have access to these tools? Like this stuff is not taught in schools, most onboarding and businesses?" Thank God I had a a sales coach that taught me about the power of the mind. So what I started doing is I got promoted to like this national sales trainer. I had a lot of success. Like, what are you doing in Seattle? I was like, well, it's like 95% mindset. It's not like how to prospect probe and advance the call and close. It's like, self-awareness having empathy, having great energy, how to visualize all these other things, gratitude, power service. So when I would travel the country, I would teach people, how do you talk to yourself? What's the proper way to set goals and actually it's the process, not the outcome. It's having what I call MIT's, most important tasks. Identify daily habits. Let's not waste a moment, not waste a day. And then I started blogging about this stuff, man, and started writing books. And so for the last two years, I'm proud to say, I've been doing this whole time.
[TYLER]
That's awesome. Well you know, there's, I've kind of grasped a hold this going from my own experience working for a corporation to have my own business and going through those personal struggles of trying to figure it out. I had to learn the hard way. It's not the you know, the tangible skills that I had. It was all of the people skills, the personal skills, which a lot of that for me, was all rooted in insecurity. And you kind of tapped into that a little bit whether it's, where does that anxiety come from? And I don't know if you want to share where you feel like that came from. Have you identified, where was the root of that anxiety that really was a overarching insecurity?
[COLLIN]
Yes. So if you look at the word mindset, it is a condition set of beliefs that drive behavior. So it's kind of two dials, is beliefs in yourself and really those beliefs are shaped by, I like to say trauma, drama, daddy, and mama.
[TYLER]
Okay.
[COLLIN]
So the brain is conditioned for its survival. So if you've had an event that was dramatic and yourselves are going to restore them, to remember them, your brains can remember them, so there's going to be alert, alert, danger, danger. So you want to avoid those things. And for me I had this fear like of just, of not being perfect. You know, I think we all, you know I have great parents, but my dad was that dad in the stands like the loudest dad in the space. And then he coached me in sports too. So like I would just hear the noise and kind of think my worth is tied to how I play so I need to not fail in order to not hear those things. And he obviously he loved me too. He would do anything but he was just that kind of loud that I think that was kind of part of it. And I just want to please people, I want to do well, I want to achieve. So I would just spend most of my time exhausting, thinking what other people think. But the reality is they're thinking about themselves, not me. And what manifested in this fear of failure was I used to have a slight stutter. I actually still daily work through being fluent.
So I remember in sixth grade I had to read out loud. I got stuck on a word and that warm blanket of shame came over me. And that fear came through and I heard kind of some of my peers laugh and that's why that trigger, don't feel those things again. So don't stutter again. So when you avoid things and you don't practice, as you get worse. So by saying don't stutter, your brain's a magnet, what you resist persists, thoughts become things, energy flows where focus goes. So by avoiding things you attract. So my fluency actually got worse as I got older, which is kind of strange. But I remember when I was 26, 27 years old, like even as an adult I had sometimes a hard time answering the phone, like going through a drive-through even ordering food. It was this like internal state change of like shallow breathing, thinking don't start or don't screw up. What are people thinking? I just wasn't present. So doing therapy, speech therapy and then I did Toastmasters for three years, like practicing, presenting in public. And that wasn't very good at first. But just having that empathy of like, I kind of understand what people felt because I felt anxiety for a long time.
I didn't talk about it. I would try to hide it and just understand just the power of words, Tyler, the power of language. So I've been on this thing last year, a few months just describing how we think in four dimensions. We think in four dimensions. The first dimension, our words. The words that we say influence the next level, which are pictures and then the third dimension is these words influence pictures and the pictures influence our emotional state and our emotional state influences the fourth dimension, which is our beliefs. But Tyler, what's interesting is that our actions and behaviors and beliefs are not based off of truth. They're based off our perception of that truth and that truth oftentimes isn't even real. So a simple way to reframe your thoughts is just to observe them, are there some common, negative thoughts and common negative themes. And looking at the brain science, the research shows that 80% of human thoughts are negative and 95% of human thoughts are reoccurring.
So we have this junk drawer in our head of like useless information that we cannot use and when we try to execute in these moments, we go to that junk drawer and we can't find what we're trying to look for. So if we can just, the question like to ask, how people ask themselves is, is this true said by who? Is this thought even true? Like where did it come from? Is it this internal judge? These are our past mistakes and you know worrying about what bad things can happen. Is this even true? It's probably not true, but who said that? One random person? No. When you were eight years old, when you're like some other eight-year-olds on recess, who gives them the power to label you?
[TYLER]
Well, I mean, it makes me think of two things. One of my early business training, sales training, corporate training. And I remember the guy, he writes up on this big poster board NSU and I'm thinking Michigan State, like I'm from the Midwest, like what, he goes, nope, make stuff up. And I had a pastor friend share this. He goes, "Stop reading between the lines. Nothing's written there." And yet that's what our brain does all the time. As you said, these pattern of reoccurring thoughts. On the podcast, we just had Dr. Caroline Leaf talk all about this stuff. What I love and what I think is really, really cool is how, and kind of this segment here where couple of podcasts, we're all talking about the same thing and there's kind of this mindset window of having Caroline Leaf, or we're going to be talking about the book Think Again, Adam Grant.
We had Mike Nielsen talking about mindset and Gonzaga talking to other people and again, it's all these same things. And what's cool to me and how it's so powerful is when, what you're saying matches up exactly what Caroline's saying, which is exactly matching up with what you know, Mike and what he's experienced at and Gonzaga and everything they've researched to, Carol you know, Dweck and mindset. And if all this stuff comes together that tells me that it's not random. And yet, as you mentioned, how many corporate trainers, how many, we're talking about leadership, or we're talking about sales, we're talking about human performance, how many people are saying, "Hey, don't worry about the arbitrary skill." You got to have that, but to get to the next level in anything, it's all about your mindset. There aren't many, right?
[COLLIN]
Yes. A hundred percent. Yes, and I'll just give the audience, I want to be a coach and not just throw a theory. So a simple drill we can do is, I call it map. So M is to just monitor your thoughts. There's a great quote from Dr. Susan David. She says, "who's in charge of the thinker or the thoughts?" I'm of the belief that we have the power of a wheel. So really in the end, we have the power to observe. That's why mindfulness and self-awareness is such a powerful, proven, backed by science, a powerful mental drill that we can do daily to just sit back and observe without judgment. And just again, challenge, "Is that even true?" Because the fact is because the brain is wired to be negative that first thought most likely will be negative. But if your mind is trained that second, third, fourth thought doesn't have to be.
So M is to monitor, A is what's called a mental map and that's to just be aware. And A is to audit. So when your internal critic pops up, if you can label that, "That's my critic. That's my ancient lizard brain. You know, that's really not the real me. It's trying to hold me back from not failing, not looking stupid." And P is the program. So one of my favorite mental skills to teach any age is the power of self-talk, is how you speak to yourself. What you say to yourself has 10 times the power versus what other people say to you. Your inner voice controls everything. It's the first start of this thought, cascade words, pictures, emotions, and beliefs. It starts with a word, it starts with, you know, do you ever sit back and think about your thoughts, observe your thoughts, analyze?
So if we can have a better self-talk game plan where we have in our back pocket, "Hey, whenever I had success before just were some moments of achievement that I'm proud of." Because what we want to do, the brain's wired for negativity. It's going to replay all of your failures and say, "You're not worthy of this." So listeners would, before a sales call or a Zoom meeting for your company, or as a parent, you and other parents and you'd have to speak up like, are you giving yourself reasons why you're not worthy or why you're going to fail or why they're going to judge you? Well, what if we flipped it and talk yourself into excellence and say, "Well, actually I've had done some podcasts before." And then, so to be credible with your self-talk too, is just like, what type of training have I done to earn the right to be here?
Let's just treat this as the same. Every moment is a chance to be present and to experience and to grow. And then the last one I like have people do, is to have, would like to call anchor statements, like an anchor anchors a boat out in the water. If there's wind, there's waves, it's going to keep it grounded. So if we can just kind of think of some affirmations or some powerful self-talk then we're going to remind ourselves, how do we want to show up and why we are worthy. If we do that sequence, negative thoughts can't come in. So we can really only think about kind of one word or one thought at a time. So if we let our brain kind of just do what it wants to is going to go negative. So at least having some structure and the statements I said to myself is I am authentic. I am present. I am courageous.
[TYLER]
That's what grounds you, right? That's what is that actual statement that says, "Hey, you know no matter what happens," you know, situation with your wife, with your kids, with whoever it may be, it's like, hey, at the end of the day, I'm authentic. You said you're courageous. "I'm going to do hard things, but then I'm here. I'm not trying to avoid it and I'm not trying to get away from it." And that's, if somebody says, "Hey, who was Collin?" They're like, "Well, dude is authentic. He's courageous and he's always present." Those are things that probably really values, right?
[COLLIN]
Well, yes. And one of the drills we do is to come up with what I call your truth triangle, and your truths are in the middle. What traits are, think of triangle Delta and there's like three sides of triangle, which means change. So like the inside is like, what internal motions do you want to express and feel in that moment? What's important to you? Like how do you want people to say, like, "This is Colling. This is what he's known for. This is what I think of him. But this is how really the trait as a leader, as a father, as a husband I want to emulate and I want to remodel being authentic, being myself. I want to train. I'm fully engaged in the moment. Hey, I see you man. That's a sick black, black tee looking, looking pretty fair. I like your headphones." It's just given the verbal, the visual, you know a presence I'm really into this. And then, no it's not taught in schools and business is how to deal with. No one teaches us how to manage fear. Like in the history of telling someone to calm down, no one's ever calmed down.
[TYLER]
It doesn't work.
[COLLIN]
No. So to me, I really put a lot of weight and importance on courage and just how do we manage fear, self-doubt adversity, challenge, change? So one of the things that if I'm coaching anybody, we spend a whole section on training courage and just understanding what fear is. Fear is a physical response to a mental threat. There's real fear and there's fake fear. Danger and fear are two different things. So, but then the outside of the triangle are my values and my core values Tyler, I talk about being a G. My goal in life is to be a G, gratitude, giving, growing every single day. So that also helps quiet a lot. If you kind of have a self-taught game plan, if you have your personal philosophy on how you want to show up and what values that you like, that you want to show and emulate.
So if you are in any environment, it doesn't matter. I'm going to be myself. So in sports, we like to say they played to beat us, we played to be us. So it's us versus us, man. We actually need them. Like, they're not our opponent. They're our partner. We need them to create greatness within us. We want their best to bring out our best. So we're not playing to be the best. We're playing to be our best. So I think these are just some things, I mean, just some simple little things that are you willing to kind of dig deep and go from within? So as a mindset coach, I'm just like a strength coach, but when you go to the gym to do polos, pushups and core, like you're working on your physical muscles with different lifts, as a mindset coach, I do different mental, emotional lists to gain clarity on how you want to show up and you're going to rep these over and over
[TYLER]
Well, and I think what is impactful from a leadership perspective is, you know it's often said the hardest person to lead is yourself. And so you've got to do all the work to be able to lead yourself. And as you've mentioned a little bit, stuff that you're learning when you talked about the four dimensions, the words, the pictures, emotions, beliefs, that stuff that you're really going through now, to me as a leader, it magnifies what you learn when you're sharing with others. So if you're working on your mindset you're saying, "Hey, let's all collectively work on our mindset. I'm working on this. How can we help others work on this?" Then it becomes cultural, right?
[COLLIN]
I agree. Yes, the goal is to make mindsets and wellness and personal growth normal, to make it normal. The phrasing we say is "You don't need to be sick to get better." So I like to throw out words like prehab. So you have the weight room and you have the training room. So I love counseling, I love therapy, but most people think of, you know if I'm going through something heavy, I need to speak to that type of person where like, in that, and where I'm at, a college athlete, when you got your knee sprain, you'd see this trainer, who's going to rehab it and make it better. That's completely normal. So I think we should make therapy and counseling normal, but just like in football and baseball, I played at Washington State, we had strength coaches to get us ready to play, to get us more explosive, more stronger, you know that type of stuff.
So I think a mental performance coach, which most pro teams have, this type of a specialist, it's a different skillset. So we're going to work on prehab and proactively talking about the power of self-image to how to kind of create poise and how to respond to adversity, challenge, change, you know, this process of outcome, goal setting, using imagery to visualize things that you want. You know, being unselfish, you know these core values as a team. Let's proactively work through these things. So we're not waiting till there's like this problem.
[TYLER]
One of the things that I guess I'm trying to do with this podcast and with the community developing is realizing, you know we're about the same age. We're at this transition point to where it used to be. If you go back to the old style of leadership and sales and the Jack Welch, and just put your head down and push and go, and you know, how many calls can you make a day? And it's really, it's fake it till you make it. It's everything else, as opposed to "No, it's raise your arm up and say, hey, I'm scared. I don't know. I have insecurities, I have vulnerabilities." And being able to actually be more empathetic yields greater results. Is that something that you truly believe? And, and the catalyst of that is really bringing in this idea of, "Hey, let's condition our mindset, as opposed to just fake it until we build false confidence?
[COLLIN]
Well, to me, you look at the word leadership, it comes down to one word influence, and then influence comes down to one word, which is value. And value is all wrapped around this beautiful package of empathy. Like empathy is the most powerful skill in leadership. And it's thrown out a lot. I'm not the only one that says empathy is powerful, but it truly is. And I look at sales professionals, a lot of them just talk about themselves and about their company. Well, have you done the work to understand the market, are you asking the questions to understand the customer and really get in their shoes and at least to solve problems? So in a marriage, in a friendship, I mean, throw some. I mean, yes, we have two ears, one mouth, so let's seek to understand, let's really care. And I think that the best strategy in sales is to love and serve people. That really is like the number one thing.
But what's awesome about brain science, if you're looking at your health mentally, when you help people, Tyler, your brain produces oxytocin, [inaudible 00:22:55], serotonin. These are powerful chemicals. So, and it's all with the heart expecting nothing in return. And having this patience, I want to win this relationship, not this deal, or like, "Oh, I closed him so hard." No one wants to be closed. You know, like, did you add help to them? Did you solve a problem? Did you build this connection? Like, do you really know everyone's name in that account? Are you thinking about them? And it's deeper than just, "I want to close the sale." So I think people can read bullshit in the model way now. There's so many, no one wants to be snowman.
[TYLER]
No.
[COLLIN]
So if you can make it fun and like, I'm building connections today. So one of my, actually my two core values when I was raised to be in sales is I want to bring value and make things easy. If I can really bring you the most value of any person that walks in here, like that's awesome for everybody. And then the second thing is, if it is complex, people will not trust you. They will not execute what you're doing. So if we can just simplify the process, go the extra mile, talk it in like a first grade term, remove all the barriers so they can go from step A to B and simplify it for them. That's awesome and that's just doing the right thing.
[TYLER]
Simple gets repeated. And you know, it's funny as, there's almost this like wide smile as I'm listening to you. And, again, we're just meeting each other. We have a random couple of friends and, and yet as I'm going through this, it's almost like we ran two parallel experiences to come to the same answer. You know, it's for me dealing with a lot of insecurity over time and realizing how can I get rid of that? Just be more empathetic. You know, and people will talk about, I mentioned this to a friend yesterday, before, we were talking about network marketing and how so many people, to network, they just want to go pitch and pitch and pitch. And I'm like, no gross. Oh, who wants that? Go connect with people, go get to know people, go learn about them. You know, my wife has the saying of, "I want to know the color of your carpet." And that's when you start to connect with people and build relationships. And I have no problem in business and even for podcasts where I'm doing, it's like, "Hey, if this isn't a value for you, great. How can I find the person that is?" Because I know if I connect enough people, if I serve, if I do that, it'll come back around.
[COLLIN]
Well, yes. And I'll add this point to it. And this is, if we have any salespeople, I call this influence. So it's influenced in this, like this new economy where it's virtual, it's all this stuff. So the first one, you might guess it, it's empathy. So it's like really thinking about like, what are you thinking? What are some of your needs? Then the second E is to engage. Like, if you're presenting, speaking, ask questions. Make it a dialogue, not this like monologue sage on the stage where you just show up and throw up and just like talk, talk, talk. It's like, don't be a tennis ball machine. Let's volley. Let's have some things to hit back and forth. I think that the third thing, especially with advent people can't see us, but I'm still in tandem, my cell phone, but the advent of TikTok and stories on Instagram, the third one is to entertain.
So if you think you can just show up and start like talking about your product, like no one cares. So different is better than better. Be creative, use props, tell stories, be different, find what quirks within you. I used to bring in props when I used to just try to make it, make it a game, make it fun. And in a way to entertain also too, is if you can get vulnerable too, if you can tell an impactful story, and then the fourth E is, then you can educate. The biggest mistake you try to open up trying to educate it. Well, you haven't earned the right yet. You haven't established trust, the rapport. I'm onto my next thing, you know, you're not asking questions. Like, why are you here? Like for me, I have other things to do. And then I think the fifth one, which is super simple, is to empower, give them the tools to take the next step. Give them the tools that, if you have to convince somebody that's bad. No one should convince anybody.
[TYLER]
It doesn't work.
[COLLIN]
No, but if they're like, "Wow, okay, empathy. Like, you're talking my language. You understand in my knees and my challenges, engaging, like you really, I feel connected and I really trust you or at least there is trust." And then, "Dude, that was funny what you did. Like that thing or that story you told, that's impactful and I actually learned something. You actually taught me something that I can use and then you gave me a simple when, why and how this is how you take the next step. This is pretty simple and I actually feel cool about this. This is win-win for everyone."
[TYLER]
I'm just trying to pull this up and I saw this the other day and I'm not prepared. I'm sorry for that but it was about this idea of empathy. And I want to tie it together because I believe people do not understand what empathy is. I have that belief, and yet I saw this. Brene Brown to me has a great definition of empathy, but this came from Donald Miller and he goes, "The best definition that I've heard of empathy for empathy is shared pain. Sharing somebody's pain is hard to do from a distance. We have to get close to have empathy." And so, as you're talking that, it's like I got to get close to you to appreciate what you're going through to find out if we can go somewhere together. If I'm not willing to get close to you and really understand you, then it's always this.
Like, there's just not much authenticity there. There's not much connection to where I don't care if you're selling someone a product. You're leading them. You're just in a social relationship with someone. If this barrier, whatever that barrier is, what if it's coming back to, you've shared this and I've heard this on other podcasts sharing about stuttering. Well, there's a vulnerability there that if you were to have a stutter, no one cares, but yet you're vulnerable enough, which I'm guessing once you're vulnerable enough with you're no longer thinking about. And so then it just moves on. And so that's not only a powerful tool and to me, that comes back to where we've long passed, I think in society this idea of judgements. Like, "Hey, we're all going through something." And the sooner we just say, "Hey, this is what I'm going through," it's easier on us, but it's also easier for others to want to walk with us.
[COLLIN]
I agree. And it's like, you're human. Like we all bleed, we all hurt, we've all been through trauma, whether it's capital T trauma or not that big. We've been through something. But I think it's this lie that we think other people are like obsessing over what we're doing. I saw a post on Instagram the other day where it had this circle that was like all filled in and like, "This is us thinking about other people thinking about us." And then there's like, the other picture was like this one little dot, like this tiny little pebble, the amount of time people are actually thinking about us.
[TYLER]
Yes.
[COLLIN]
So we get so caught up in obsessing over us. And then it's the phrasing, you know, you're not who you think you are. You are who others think you are. You are what you think other people think you are and it's usually ---
[TYLER]
Well, you mentioned that you know, before and I think it's important, is people aren't thinking about you near as much as what you think. So, whatever you think they're thinking, quite honestly, they're not thinking. They're thinking about themselves and whatever else. So it comes back to don't make that up. Just be, I think to me, there's a part of being authentic and just ask, "Hey what are you thinking? Let's communicate and use that process to communicate."
[COLLIN]
Yes, and I'll add this in. If you're in like a new meeting or you're in a group environment and you have to like introduce yourself, or you have to like sell something or present something, I always think of these kind of three things to think about; like, "Hey, what's my intent for this interaction?" Like have clear intent. It's not, let's have like a clear plan. Number two is, "What's something I'll really want to learn, like sincerely learn about this group or about this person or about the mission of whoever I'm speaking with or what issues they have?" And I think the third thing is, "What's one thing I can bring of value?" It let's have, like, we can be flexible, but like, "How am I going to make their day better, make their job easier?" And I think the other part of this is just removing your worth tied to the outcome.
[TYLER]
That's it? I think that's the biggest lesson people can learn, period.
[COLLIN]
Yes. Just removing, like who says that if you, they like you or don't, if you get the next meeting where they buy or they don't means you're a good or bad person? You can't control the outcome or the result. I say, focus on the root, not the fruit, from [inaudible 00:31:31], by the way. I know you have --- but the root is like your behaviors, your habits, your game plan, your strategy, your process, being curious. I think curiosity is another thing that we could do a lot better job of. When things get hard, get curious. When you're up against a challenge, get curious. You want to make more friends, get curious. You want more influence, get curious.
[TYLER]
To use this word, I don't think you can be empathetic without being curious. If you desire to learn and get to know, and just like, "Oh, help me understand," that is going through that process of wanting to use Don Miller, sharing that pain. You can't be empathetic. And if you're not in that case, curious about someone else, then it's about you and people are going to pick up on that real quick.
[COLLIN]
And Tyler I'll add this. We have the biggest struggle, is to execute what all we're talking about, is having compassion for yourself and forgiving yourself. And if you have imposter syndrome or if you're a narcissist, that's brother and sister. They're very closely linked. If you can just forgive yourself and love yourself, one of my new mantras is I love what I have. I know, but not from a narcissist perspective of like, I don't need to prove anything. I just, I'm grateful for what I have. I'm going to optimize what I have. And there's kind of two mindsets to get this. Prove mindset and improve mindset. And the old me was, I'm just trying to prove that I'm the best player or popular or I'm ---
[TYLER]
Prove your worth.
[COLLIN]
I have this, yes, like my, it was this daily game of like balances and like checks of having to get that validation verbally, having to see an outcome to believe, where if you have an improved mindset, you mentioned Carol Dweck at Stanford and having this growth mindset, this improved mindset is it's connection not perfection, progress not perfection. And I have, everyone try and master these five words. "I'm not defined by this." I'm not defined by this decision, even success or failure. It doesn't find you, but are you getting better? So having, thinking about athletes, parents who have athletes, or if you're in band, music choir, the testing, if you go into that performance, trying to prove yourself, you're not present. You're thinking about the future. You are tying your world, you know, this is a have to, it's not a get to. And that's where some parents are, "Of course they're great at practice, but they can't play in games." Just because they're tying worth to their performance; is that you just say, I know you have a background in yoga or fitness a little bit?
[TYLER]
Yes. Not so much yoga but fitness.
[COLLIN]
I looked you up on LinkedIn. I wrote a bunch of notes down, but it's like, it's a yoga practice.
[COLLIN]
So I am a human being, choosing to ride horses. I'm a human being choosing to play, I'm a human being, choosing to make music. I'm a human being choosing to write books. It doesn't define me, but every time I have an opportunity to perform, it's a chance to get better.
[TYLER]
Yes. It's choose to, you know, this is an adage that I have, and I'll share it with you, is my desire is to be better today than I was yesterday with the intention to do whatever I can today to learn to be better tomorrow. So today's ceiling is tomorrow's floor. I learned that from a mentor but it's something that I hate. If I stop and focus on that, then I'm not worried about where I'm going to be six months from now. I'm not comparing myself to others, just like in a small step as I make forward today, did I move forward? Did I do things to help me learn to be better today? If nothing else happened? If all I did was woke up in the morning, read my devotionals, wrote those things, read the things that I read to contemplate on that to be better. I'm already better than I was yesterday because I took something else new in. That's just something I try to hold onto instead of getting in this competition with others. It's just like, "Hey, play my game."
[COLLIN]
Yes, it's exhausting. But also I think another thing we don't talk enough about with our young people, even like business people is to play to your strengths. Like, why would you try to be like someone else? The phrasing I like to say is be the next you. Like everyone's started taking, you should be the next you. Like there's only one you. So like, if you can stand out for the right reasons, that's your best sales strategy.
[TYLER]
A hundred percent.
[COLLIN]
If you can be different, that's your best sales strategy. If you can sound different, talk different, look different, like the brain has this this focus on like pattern, pattern, pattern. I don't pay attention. If we break the pattern I'm going to pay attention. So if you can do that in a positive way, that brings value, that brings humor, that solves problems, that's creative, I love creativity. Creatives are my favorite things, you know, making arts, making products, selling something, like I love creativity. So and part of it, if I'm working with salespeople, I was like, let's, game-ify this thing. Let's just game-ify it. This isn't real life. It's a game, you know? Like, so let's look at some rules, like how many calls or how many follow-ups or how can we get crazy in a fun way, in a positive way? And having empathy, think about them. They're busy, they don't plan to see you today. They don't plan to buy from you day. So let's like game-ify it and just make it fun.
[TYLER]
Yes, I have a hard time with creativity because I am not what I would consider a classic creative person. You know, it's, if I were to sketch and draw, it'd look like a hot mess, just bad. But I heard this the other day and I embrace it. You give me some bucks, you know, you have a whiteboard behind you, give me a box. All right. And you tell me, "Hey, figure out every single way we can solve this problem outside of that box." Dude, I'm game on. That is a puzzle that is fun to me. And as I heard this talk, that's creativity. I'm like, I'm all about that. And so to your point, kind of this, gamification say, "Hey, here are the conditions of it. Here's the rules that, yo9u know what, figure out all the ways outside of it." That becomes a creative point to solve a problem. I just thought I'd share that with you.
[COLLIN]
That's really good. Well, it's kind of like, do not be a cover band be the next you, man. Like that's just, let's try to formulate what makes me unique different. But you know, strength isn't only what you're good at. It's also, what would you love to do? So tie in your quirks with your messaging, with your stories, with how you can take complex things and make them simple based off of who you are. And I think that shows other people why this person's authentic. Like this isn't kind of normal. This is kind of different. I like that. A hundred percent, but do people know who they are?
[TYLER]
And that's where it gets to that process of, you know it's first, "Hey, do the work to find out who you are and be okay with that." You know, what problem do you solve? What purpose do you have? You know, finding your grounding as opposed to, so often I think people are so lost because they're trying to be the next sports athlete. They're trying to be the next Tom Brady. You know, every kid wants to be that and there's like, so they're trying to emulate that, but then they get lost not being themselves. They're trying to be the next great, sales performer. They're trying to be the next great whatever it's like. Okay, understand that and get back to what you said is what are your strengths? What are your uniqueness? What story, what situations have you been through? You're unique and different because of what you've gone through by being a two sport athlete, to having the stuttering, to dealing with the mindset to say, "Hey, I've overcome, I've studied this. Now all of a sudden I can go help people," and be uniquely you.
And I think that's the challenge of every person and leaders to say, "Hey, don't worry about it. Don't fall under the shame because you're not someone else." And I think that's what happens is, you know you mentioned about the youth sports is, as parents like, "Oh, you're not as good as Johnny." He's left-handed, he's six foot tall. I'm right-handed, five foot. I'm not going to be like Johnny. I got to do what only I can do and that should be good enough to help me figure out. I coached sports for a handful of years and I coached mostly soccer and I loved it because I grew up playing soccer but I understood the strategy of it. And I hated when other coaches would go into situations.
They're like, "Okay you know, Morgan, you're going to go play striker." And the kid was really good at defense and he was right foot and they go put him left striker. I'm like, why would you do that to a kid? Don't set them up to fail. Now, if it's one thing you're in a situation you want to challenge them, you want to help them grow, when you do that, great. But set him up to succeed, look at his unique strengths and abilities and his temperament and set them up to succeed and just see how much everyone on the team has more fun because they do. And so I always looked at it that way and I didn't understand why people didn't do that. Now, if we're saying, "Hey, we need to develop our skills so we become more valuable players." You know you're baseball and you're just like, "Hey, you know what? You learn how to switch it. You're going to be a more valuable player. If you have that innate talent, then do it."
Then that's great and not taking that away, but it's like set people up to succeed. And then at the same point, don't chastise them when they fail. Say, "Nice try. Good effort. Way to try something new." I saw this a couple of weeks ago. I'll share it again. I think I shared this when I was talking to Mike Nielsen. I was at a basketball tournament with my son and there was this basketball coach, really, really experienced Don [inaudible 00:41:14], Luke's dad and he was talking about his grandson and he goes to make the shot, And it's just kind of wildly out of balance, and he goes, "Hey, that's right, good try. You tried something new, you tried something different." As I was sitting next to him and it's like, we need to embrace that in all parts of society. I need to say, "Hey, Collin, dude, I see what you drew behind you. That's awesome. Good, good effort. You know, try it."
The book Think Again, Adam Grant, he talks about how a teacher does that with kids that are artists. There's people that will say, and I think draw a line, if you're right-handed, draw left-handed because it's going to challenge, and it's like, Oh, that looks like crap. I'm I'm right-handed and I drew left-handed, but you tried something new to expand your abilities, to say, "Hey, I can grow there, but yet not to condemn someone because they didn't meet some expectation."
[COLLIN]
Well, and there's two parts of that. Number one is we're afraid to fail. We're afraid, however we look at that thing. And then number two is parents are getting their worth tied to what their kids do. So it's kind of like mom and dad, what's more important? Your relationship with your kid, for them being good at some random sport that they probably won't play in like two or three years?
[TYLER]
If I were to tie something to my worth as a parent, to my kids, it is one, can they be a great teammate? Can they encourage their team members? Can they make sure that people are having a good experience? And number two, are they giving it great effort? If they don't do those two things, then I got a problem. If they do those two things, dude, I don't care about the score. I don't care. And it really it's like ---
[COLLIN]
Yes, like the model of yelling at the kid or the coach or the referee like that, that model doesn't work. So Mike Trout, highest paid player in baseball, you know they asked his dad and mom what'd you do to help him get to the major leagues and have the success? He went over five by five. We didn't care. Was he a great teammate? How's it just exactly what you said? But this is what I'll say. I actually wrote a book for parents on this very topic. And because when I would work with kids in small groups and one-on-one one of the first questions was like, what you fear is, your heart rate elevates, you feel nervous palm, just what it needs [inaudible 00:43:25]. Like it's this physical state change, your brain starts going crazy.
What are you thinking about like, what is causing that fear? Like, what are you worried about really? Like you're 13, you're 12, you're 15. Like what are you worried about? And by far, the number one response was having to talk to my parents after, having to defend myself or the car ride home after the game. And I think parents don't realize is when they're critiquing and judging and talking about that, and that the kids are doing these things, and they're now performing not to fail and they associate this sport with like shame, instead of like, this is a game. This is a game. So the people who invented baseball and basketball and soccer didn't say, "I'm going to create a sport that causes anxiety and breaks apart families." So the question I ask parents is, "What do you think your kid would say when they're asked that question and they knew that you were not in the room that you wouldn't know?" Another question is, "How many coaches, parents, have your kids had?" "I would say 10, 15, 100." "Well coaches, sorry, parents, how many coaches have you had to be a better parent for your child? You want your kid to be coachable. Are you coachable?"
[TYLER]
Well, and I think it comes back to this idea of leadership. It doesn't matter if you're leading people in a salesforce, in an office or your kids. It's all the same principles. You know, as we lead, our kids should be the exact same way that we work with coworkers, or if we're leading a team should be exactly the same way. Now, are they so anxious to come and tell us that they failed? Oh, I didn't get that sale. "Oh, you know, I screwed that up. I actually undersold it." Whatever. There so much fear as opposed to, "Okay, great. We can learn from that. No problem." I had a friend share, he worked for Chick-fil-A and he was the guy that came up with the cows parachuting down onto the field. And he tells this story about how, when UVA, Virginia was playing Georgia and Georgia was just getting obliterated.
UVA was up in the first half and so everyone throws the cows out on the field and he's in the press box and he's there with the head of marketing and he is like, "I'm fired. I'm done. I'm canned." And the guy looks at him and he goes, "All right, well, we'll work with this." So then the next year, what do they do? They put parachutes on all the cows and they parachute all the cows and they took that experience. And that's just a cultural response to say, "It's okay, we'll make the most of this," as opposed to you're canned." And then what happens to everyone else? No one else is willing to try anything because that guy got canned.
[COLLIN]
Well, I would say that that advertising worked because it triggered a response from after seeing something.
[TYLER]
Totally did.
All right. If your mind isn't blown by a lot of the things that Collin shared, I don't know what is. I mean, really, I think you put a stamp on everything. Curiosity is the first step. Curiosity is the first step to enhancing your mindset. Curiosity is your first step to curing your own insecurity. Curiosity is the first step to embracing empathy. You're able to be curious about someone else. You know, if we go back to some of the episodes where we talked to other people, it's really this desire to be curious. So I hope you're curious. I hope you're curious to learn more. Go check out thecollinhenderson.com, see all the materials Collin has, his book, Master Your Mindset. But this is what I'd love for you to do too. Subscribe to this podcast. If somebody shared it with you, subscribe to it.
Give me a rating. Let me know how we're doing. I'd love for you to share this with someone else. If you got it shared to you, great. Return the favor, share it with someone else. At the same point, I'd love for you to be a part of the community. Go to the impactdrivenleader.com, join in our book club, join in our community. And I know this. If you desire to get better, the only way to get better is to open your arms and link arms with others. Because how we get to become a better leader is by throwing your arms in the air and say, "I can't do it myself. I need help. I need to work with others." And guess what? When you're opening your arms, that means people get to link arms with you too. Thank you for listening to this episode, have a great rest of your day.
