IDL136 Season 3: Wounds with Ryan James Miller
Have your past struggles kept coming back and directing your present? Do you act out of spite? How can you take back control of yourself so that you act intentionally instead of from an old painful place?
Thank you for joining us! Today I’m having a conversation with Ryan James Miller, a performance coach and the author of Wounds. Most people, most leaders, have wounds, and they affect us by creating blind spots. These blind spots are where we’re at our most vulnerable, and equally, where we most need to heal. Our discussion today focuses on building awareness of these blind spots, and how to grow from them.
Meet Ryan James Miller
Ryan James Miller is a Performance Coach, Motivational Speaker, and the Author of “Wounds: How hurt, heartache, and tragedy become the keys to unlcoking greatness. He helps high performers and industry leaders to optimize their growth and potential through business strategy, mindset, and human behavior.
With more than 20+ years of corporate leadership and sales experience, Ryan recognized the importance of bringing strategy, tactics, and internal motivation together in order to drive industry-leading outcomes in organizations and individuals. Through his coaching and consulting work,
Ryan has helped thousands of people shatter the ceilings they once knew. Ryan's survival of the 2017 Route 91 Harvest mass shooting served as an awakening to leverage his wounds, commit to living life to the fullest, and become the high performer he is today.
Visit Ryan’s website and connect on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and LinkedIn.
IN THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS:
Processing wounding together - 08:50
Intentionally learning new skills - 17:57
Don’t let spite fuel you - 19:01
You have to admit it first - 27:33
Processing wounding together
Sometimes when the pain is too much for a person, you cannot try to guide them through it because it won’t work. When that happens, and someone is struggling that much, you just need to be in the moment with them.
Don’t try to fix it, don’t try to give wise words or try to minimize their feelings by telling them that it will be okay in the future. Right now for them, this feeling is big and difficult, and the best thing that you can do for them is to sit with them as they get through it.
“She fell to the ground and just started crying and there were so many anecdotes that I could’ve given her in the moment, [like] to trust God, to believe that there is a plan, to tell her that it was going to be okay … I just realized that it was a moment [where] I just needed to be on the ground crying with her.”
So often leaders, as a parent or business manager or even partner in a moment, we want to have the answers to make it okay for the person who is struggling.
Sometimes the problem is impossible to solve, but rarely is that is first thing that should happen. Sometimes, the first thing that should happen is to process the wound together.
Intentionally learning new skills
There will be moments in life where you need to actively learn a new skill that might not feel natural to you - especially if you want to be a leader, or you are in a position of leading others like a manager or a parent.
The skills you already have are probably great, but when you are working with people and having to guide them, then you have to boost up your:
- Empathy
- Sensitivity
- Accountability
- Integrity
- Self-regulation
“It doesn’t work anymore, and it does not work for long because eventually you’re going to end up being so overwhelmed as you were that you’re no longer the leader or servant or father … all [of] those things, you’re not able to be because you’re so overwhelmed trying to carry it all. ”
Don’t let spite fuel you
Your wounds are powerful and you need to learn how to heal them and work with them so that they don’t end up dictating your life. If you operate your life from your wounding, then you might be living and acting out of spite.
You might want to prove people wrong, make them love you, or make them value you - all because you have unresolved wounding that is being triggered and is encouraging you to act a certain way. This may seem like a great motivator for life, but it can become toxic.
“That’s one of the things that I hear people say a lot today which is, “My fire, my fuel is to prove all the haters wrong” … I understand why people say those things, I just think it’s such an unhealthy fire to fuel you because … it is just this insurmountable weight that gets put on you that you’re constantly chasing to try and prove … that doesn’t even really freaking matter.”
Working from spite does not heal your wound, even if it feels “good”. It becomes a wicked circle that gets tough to escape, so avoid falling into that trap.
You have to admit it first
The first step to resolving any problem is to address it.
You need to see it, notice and admit it, and then you can take the first step to resolving it.
“You have to admit it first, and I think that that’s the thing - as a higher performer, as a leader - you have to first admit that you are hurt and if you cannot say that out loud, [then] you have a serious problem that needs to be dealt with. ”
Most people also often encounter problems in their lives when they reach a point where they haven’t yet admitted the issue, and admitting it is the only way forward.
“There was something else that set you off to say, “Okay, I’m going to have to go back and track everything” … we’re going to have to go back and see where this all started if I’m going to figure out how I’m going to get better where I’m at now.
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Resources, books, and links mentioned in this episode:
BOOK | Ryan Miller - Wounds: How Hurt, Heartache, and Tragedy Become the Keys to Unlocking Greatness
Visit Ryan’s website and connect on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and LinkedIn.
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About the Impact Driven Leader Podcast
The Impact Driven Leader Podcast, hosted by Tyler Dickerhoof, is for Xillennial leaders who have felt alone and ill-equipped to lead in today's world. Through inspiring interviews with authors from around the world, Tyler uncovers how unique leadership strengths can empower others to achieve so much more, with real impact.
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